bonuses...

today i have to write..and this may be an extremely long post as i have so much on my mind..my heart is so heavy today.and i have tears streaming down my face..and the odd thing is im crying for someone i dont even know..last night i came across a blog of a little family from pa that there 5 year old son is loosing his battle to luekimia.i want to post the blog on here so anyone can go see it and maybe u will understand the tears i had while reading it and the tears that continue to stream everytime i think of them today..theyve been battleing cancer i belevie for about 2 years now..and about ten days ago the father posted this...
"It is difficult to hear a doctor say your child is going to die from his leukemia, and a much harder thing to accept that there is nothing else you can do to save them. It is hard to accept that the cancer will win after the intense suffering Conner, Sheryl, Matthew, and I experienced over the last 5 months. It’s hard to accept that our family of four will soon be a family of three. I weep for my son and my family when I look back on all that suffering, especially when it feels like we suffered for nothing.

Conner’s blood work indicated that the last cycle of treatment failed to push down the leukemia, and his attending physician explained to us that this was the last curative therapy we could try. Any other drugs would only buy Conner time. On top of this the MRI results from two weeks ago showed continued assault to his brain, an injury the neurologists did not believe he could recover from with only a few weeks on rehab. So, Sheryl and I found ourselves backed into a corner, knowing there was no escape. We decided the best thing for Conner was to stop the chemo, stop the medicines and tests and move him to hospice, where they can keep him comfortable and pain free until the end. This is the best, most merciful thing we can do for our little five-year-old boy. He’s done everything we’ve asked of him, and now it’s time for him to rest. After five months, we finally find ourselves letting go."
i dont know how i could make that decision..the decision that is the most painfull thing for me but the absolute best thing i could do for my son...i cant even begin to imagine what this family is feeling..is going through.i want to push these thoughs out.i dont want to think about it,i dont want to weep with this hurt in my heart and i want to pretend i never knew of this hurting painful story..but i cant..because this family,who are brothers and sisters of mine in christ..ARE going through something awful.they ARE hurting it IS there child they are watching fade away.and as much as i want to pretend something so painful isnt happening to someone in the world..it is.and as much a i feel there is nothing i can do for this family that i have never met..there is.there is one thing and one thing alone that can get someone through something so awful and that is prayer and so much of it..from anyone.ive never lost a child and i pray i never see that day.because as much as i hurt at the thought of it how much worse it would be as a parent to watch your child slowly slip away..
i sat at my computer at 10 last evening readin this blog and crying so hard i could barely stop..i couldnt help myself,i went into my sleeping 9 month old sons room ,picked him up and just thanked God for blessing us with him and thanking him over and over again for the time we have with him..because he is just a bonus from God...my pastor at the church i went to in pa had a sermon one day about the gift of salvation...here is some of the things i remember.. "the Lord owes us NOTHING..he freely gave us the GIFT of salvation and aside from that we need nothing.anything else the Lord decides to bless us with is just a bonus.i ,in no way deserve any of these bonuses,but the Lord has blessed us with these things..my home,is a bonus,money,is a bonus,my family is just a bonus..."i cant help but think of that so much today..all these things in my life that are steady,that are there everyday for me to use for me to love for me to hold are just added bonuses to the most precious gift the Lord has already given me..which is salvation.eternal life with my Lord.why he gave me these added bonuses?he just loves me that much..but these bonuses are not mine..therefor my son..is not mine .he is the Lords and wen He see's fit he can take him home to be with him.
this perspective and hearing this tragic story that this family is going through has made me sit back ,look at what i have and just cry,a grateful cry,a cry that is saying at the top of my lungs THANK YOU LORD JESUS !!!thank you for my family that surrounds me everyday.thank you that i can hug them,kiss them and hold them.thank you for my home!!thank you for all these things that i have forgotten to thank you for. then theres a pleeding cry,oh Lord please let me keep them a while longer.please Lord! and then a cry of sacrifice..yes Lord i know none of these precious gifts are mine..they are yours.and you know best..always.
this family has no idea the testimony they are leaving for the rest of us that hear there story.they ahve no idea the impact they have on lives they know nothing of.but there story has opened my eyes.it has made me so grateful it has put me on my knees.
is the Lord a giver or a taker? that was a hard question for me ...i tend to be a bit more pesimistic and often see the glass as half empty...and when i ask myself is God a giver or a taker?i often find myself asking God not to take things from me that i treasure...but he is a giver.i forget that al the things i want to keep are things he originally GAVE me.which meens they are His.He IS a giver.BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
this family is so incredible .the things they write..knowing that there son is about to meet Jesus.its so beautiful when you think of death that wayits not the end for him..its only the beginning..and knowing they will someday see there son again.they have receiverd the FREE gift of salvation.and that my friends is greatest most pricelss gift we will EVER receive.
i dont think i will ever meet this family here on this earth but if i could,i would thank them for sharing there story.i would hug them and tell them how deeply sorry i am for what there going through.and i would tell them how much they have touched my life.

this story has made me realize how precius my family is to me.and how pointless those little things we get upset about really are.if it was me,holding my son for what could possibly be the last day,the last hour or even the last minute, he is alive,i would hold him with the softest most passionate arms,and with the most amount of love pouring out of me that i could possibly give.how different my eyes would see him.every passing second would the most precious thing...holding him would in no way be a chore.it would be an blessing. thats what our time on earth with our loved ones is...a blessing.

im sorry aboutthis long post i wrote what was on my mind and some of the things may have not come out as i would have liked them to..bt i wanted to write this...for something to look back on...and remember to hold them a little tighter "today"
http://weloveconner.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/bittersweet/

http://youtu.be/v0svXA-oRTk