the house that built me....

well easter has come and gone,another week in pa has come and gone.asher and i got back from pa a week ago after a relaxing fun yet bittersweet time in pa,bittersweet because my parents are selling there home...a very hard thing for me to even voice:(i have always been very sentimental ..and when it comes to "home"..the place i grew up and have all of my favorite memories stored at,i am very sentimental.last week wen we were there,we cleaned out the attic,found old toys and books that brought back even more memories.just the idea of this not being my home anymore made me think about everything that i appreciated most about the place...the big pond that we spent hours swimming in when we were little,then went through a stage where the pond was "gross" .Then when we all had kids,the pond was once again a favorite for all of us!When i worked at dienners in the summer,i would come home sweating and smelling of food,i used to jump in the pond,swim across it a couple times,fully dressed,just cause i felt like it.Yes there was some skinny dipping in the pond to of course.:)some in broad day light!The raft was always a hit,many many sundays youth kids would come over and go out on the raft and someone always got thrown in!

Mom asher and i walked around the pond one night last week,and i was telling mom how as a kid i spent hours playing outside,using my imagination,i still remember my imaginary friends names:),theres a tree on the far end of the pond that i hammered a short peice of wood on and would pull my golf cart up to the tree and pretend i was "filling my car up with gas".All my pets,my goat,the sheep,my horse, used the out around the pond grass as there meadow.Me and cookie,my pet goat as a kid,would walk around the pond..cookie would follow me from one end to the other.If i went up on the high dive,cookie went with me.I used to love riding my horse up the steep hill on the far side of the pond and pretend like i was the man from snowy river:)riding up and down steep hills.until one time the saddle came loose when i was galloping up the hill and i had a pretty bad concussion,my neighbor actualy took me inside,which i have yet to remember.:)He just told me about it later.

Theres a bench on the far side of the pond to, that i think all us kids took our dates out to at night,it was sooo romantic,the moon would reflect off the pond and noone could see you since the house was on the other side.ahh,takes my breath away thinking about it:)

The high dive was another place we loved to go at night. I have so many memories of me and my friends up there my best friend in grade school,marlene sensinig,and i would go up there to trade stickers,as i got older,my friends and i would go up tehre late at night and talk until mom would shine a flash light out at us and tell us to come in:)i remember a icture of raym and jo when they were dating ,sittnig on the high dive.Raym and Allen used to do crazy stunts off the high dive ,flips hand stands and whatever else they could think of.

Then theres the roof of the shed that i used to play on,that was my house.i even took a bunch of rocks up there and made a "campfire",never lit of course.

The shuffleboard out back that mom and dad had weekly shuffle board parties at,i always looked forward to that.The old folks that came were so much fun to watch,it was like movies for me(which is something i didnt get to watch much of growing up)

In the pavillion up in the rafters is a tiny little spot that us kids would crawl up in,im sure there is stil blankets and who knows what else up there.One sunday somehow the ladder fell and i was stuck up there with a friend Kayla i think:).My brothers kind friend came out side after a while and we screamed untill he came and put the ladder back up.The pavillion was also the place where anytime it rained adn we were having out side parties,we all ran under there.I have a video of me and a bunch of my friends(i dont even remember this!and i was like 16 i think)playing guitar and singing country songs in the pavillion while it was raining,we were packed in there.I always liked to invite everybody and there brother to my house:)

In the winter time when the pond would freeze over, ice skating was a hit!we havent done that for a couple years cause it hasnt frozen over that well.But when my brother and sister were in the youth group the guys used to come over and play hockey on the ice.We had skating parties for the youth group.One day i was out ice skating and i was tryin to do fun twirls and stuff like the profesional skaters did,and i fell and hit my head so hard the ice cracked a little.I remember screaming for mom to come get me,she finaly heard me and helped me inside,i then gave up my dreams of becoming a skater:).

Mommy(grandma.) always lived out above the barn,she was always around,except for in the winter time of course when she went to florida.But i always loved in the summer time when we'd be out playing and she would bring out her famous meadow tea.I used to go up to her house and we'd sit and talk or i'd count her pennies.But she was always around.She still is. Now she lives in with mom and dad and as of now, at the new house, thats where she'l be also:) So at least something wont change:).

The garden,the beautiful garden that mom and dad slaved over every summer,was my favorite imaginary spot.I loved playing in the garden after school,i'd pretend it was the secret garden,or my high school that i was in (yes at the age of 10:)) or my mansion that i lived in.

And then the gazebo where i would have my pretend wedding, or used as my kitchen area.

The front yard at mom and dads is pretty big,when i was in school i had to walk across the front yard everyday since i got dropped off down the road from the bus.Dad used to play ball with the kids out front sunday afternoons,i rode my horse out there,we played volleyball, wiffle ball,bocce ball,you name it.Allen used to ride his forwheeler across the front yard and do a wheely the whole way across just to show off to the people driving by:) I always loved our front yard.I remember one summer i went through a phaze on sunday afternooons id take a lawnchair out front and sit there for hours just watching people go by and talkin on the phone(this was before i had my license of course.)

the screened in porch was another place we hung out allot.We would eat sunday lunch out there in the summer.When we were kids we would have sleepovers out there.The was a sky window and me and a friend were out there in out sleeping bags one night when someone popped in the sky window .scared us half to death ,here it was karen with her hair flipped up over her face:)Matt and i had a few dates out there as well.it has the most beautiful veiw over looking the pond:)

I think all the memories that i have of being outside our house was why it was sooo important for me to get married there. When matt and i had started dating mom and dad were thinking about selling then,they sat me down one night and expressed possibly putting it up for sale,i cried.yes i was 19:)I beged them to wait until Matt and I either broke up or got married since at that point we had JUST started dating and i didnt know where our relationship was going.They agreed ,but mom said,"ok if yal break up,were not waiting on the next guy,were selling.:)"Well they waited and 2 years later we had a BEAUTIFUL reception held out back at my parents.We took our pictures there that morning.My wedding was so special for so many reasons but one thing i will always cherish is those pictures my photographer took of little details at mom and dads.

I think that since ive been married my memories there are even sweeter.Probably because i knew selling time was coming and i wanted to drink in as much of the place as possible. Last summer,mom and i went ouside every evening i was there after dinner,mom would swing with Asher on the swing under the windmill until he would fall asleep.:)Poppy has taken asher on many golfcart rides and Easter egg hunts were always a blast cause there were soooo many places to hide the eggs.Last summer or mom and dad got a peddle boat:)It has been a hit in the summer.The first time asher and i went up after they got it,i took him out on a ride:)

Now all 5 of us kids are married and have kids of our own.Most of the our kids wont remember mom and dads house,or the fun times we had there,but i know that in 20 years when we go up to pa with our family and drive by that house i will tell me kids thats where i grew up.Hopefuly the place will look somewhat the same:)Im so scared that someone is gana buy the place and turn it upside down.:( I am so extrememly happy for mom and dad to move into a smaller house that requires much less work,much less taxes and doesnt tie them down so much.And i know there new house will be cute and we'l build new memories there.but this place,will always be,"the house that built me"

God is good ,all the time. no matter WHAT happens,God is STILL God and God is STILL good!! we got the best results back from my mom!turns out she had another stone and they did surgery and removed it and she is finally after a very long time feeling good again.i cannot tell you how releived we all were when we heard this news!

i dont know if i wrote this last time or not,btu at 15 months asher is finally and officailly WALKIN!matt and i were beyond excited when we could actualy say this.matt especially,he is so eager adn cannot wait to do things with him as a toddler.and slowly but surely those things are happening.they love to throw a ball around!matt tried to show asher how to hit a ball the other night,but hes not qutie there yet.asher loves to be outside and wait for matt when he comes home from work,and since this march has felt like summer,weve been able to that almost every evening.but ashers favorite,is when we walk to the end of the lane,he can see matt coming down the road(beleive me,he know daddys work van from pretty far away to!)and then when daddy does pull in the lane,asher sits on hsi lap and "drives" the van in:) if we dont meet him at the end of the lane matt still lets him sit in the van and "drive" for a while.he is never ready to come in after that...
this post is getting cut short cause he is jsut waking up from his nap..so ill be back again soon:)

i havent blogged in forever.everytime i come on ehre i think im gaa do better and i never do...i try to write down little things that goes on in ashers life so i dont forget when thoswe big moments were..but i started this blog hopeing i would write about how i felt and what his expressions were...oh well hopefuly one day ill get better at this...
today im not writting about asher.
today im struggleing.i thought maybe writting about it would help me in some way..so here it goes..
my mom has been having allot of health issues over the past year.she had surgery nearly a year ago to remove a gullstone that was the largest the dr had ever seen and since then..things have just gotten worse...a couple months ago she started having these "attacks" she would get terrible pain in her stomach and couldnt do anything. abotu a month ago,i was in pa for a week and mom went to the dr.they felt a lump in her stomach.i left for home the next day.and waited for a few days to hear any results..finally we heard the dr thought it was a hernea..but said that is not the reason for her pain...he then thought maybe the pain was from another stone.so tehy did blood work and were scheduling to doa colonoskopy(since she had never gotten one done) well yesterday morning i called mom,she was flying to florida that evening and we were planning to leave today to meet her there for a wedding down there this weekend..i was all kinds of excited:),so i called her and right away could telll something wasnt right in her voice.she said she had been up all night havnig such bad stomach pain,i asked her if it was like her attacks and she said no she also said it didnt feel like a belly ache either.so i hung up,told ehr to get some rest and really didnt think much else about it.ive been a little naeve abt my moms sickness since it started,i guess i can be,living this far away i dont see her every day or every week,i jsut hear her voice and if i know my momma, she has surgar coated everything she has been feeling to protect me from freaking out and being so far away.about an horu later my sister called me and asked if i talked to mom i said yea,she said something isnt right.me and my naevness again thought..im sure its fine.around lunch time mom called me and said shes not going ot florida,i asked her why and she said shes goin to the dr.he had just called with her blood test results and he didnt like what he seen adn after hearing she had been having such bad pain told her to go to the hospital.so when mom called,my sisters were on there way to her house and they were goin to take her in.i was just about to hang up with mom when i seen my sister rosa was calling.so i hung up and answered rosas call,i didnt want to let mom hear me cry cause i knew she was probably already worried about me,btu my sister wasnt gfana hear any strength in this voice.i answered the phone balling.she comforted me by telling me she was gana call me with any news they got.bless my dads heart.he was so worried.my sister in law called me and said she had to cry cause my brother was crying cause he had talked to dad who was crying.so i started cryin:)i was so thankful a friend of mine was here all day yesterday,other wise i would have probably sobbed all day long.anyways,the dr came in last evening and said 2 possibilities are a stone in the bile duct or an ulcer...they scheduled an mri that has gotten moved twice now and is now scheduled for 2 today.so we wait...meanwhile matt asher and i are leaving for florida in and hour or 2.im hopeing that will help take my mind off things for a bit.last night i dont know taht my husband has ever seen me so quite.but he was great,before i went to bed we curled up on the recliner and he just listened to me cry and express my feelings.the whole prego thing has made me a tad more emotional then usual:)i so want to be there with my family.i told him last night i feel like i would feel so much better if i was tehre although im sure i wouldnt.ive been skyping mom in the hospital,calling or texting my sisters every couple hours,although yersterday it was every hour on the hour:).i need to pack for florida but all i have been doing is sitting here on the couch thinkin about my family.i so badly want to hug my dad.i feel so sorry for him.i know how he worries adn im sure he is about beside himself right now.i know my mom is well taken care of,she has allot of friends visiting her today and hopefuly that will help her day go by fast.i wish so bad i could surprise her and walk in that room.i need to stop wishing.so im hopeing that the news we hear today will be good news,cause i dont know if i can handle any more uncertainty.this whole experience has brought so many emotions,i have thought and prayed so many times,God i need my mom! im the baby of the family,and it shows cause anytime im sick or i hurt myself or something funny happens or i do something clumsy ...i call my mom,shes the first person i think to tell those things to.the other morning i threw up cause of pregnancy,and i meen the minute i was done i called mom(of course i texted my husband first:)).its funny really.but shes....well...my mom.i love her more then any other women on this earth.and i cannot imagine what my lief would be like without her..i know ..we dont live in the same state.i dont SEE her everyday,but she is in my heart. this song,has touched me since the first time i heard it and it so reminds me of my mom...
"Like My Mother Does"


[Verse 1]
People always say
I have a laugh
Like my mother does
Guess that makes sense
She taught me how to smile
When things get rough

I've got her spirit
She's always got my back
When I look at her
I think, I want to be just like that

[Chorus]
When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because I see myself like my mother does

[Verse 2]
I never met a stranger
I can talk to anyone
Like my mother does
I let my temper fly
And she can walk away
When she's had enough

She sees everybody
For who they really are
I'm so thankful for her guidance
She helped me get this far

[Chorus]
When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does

[Bridge]
She's a rock
She is grace
She's an angel
She's my heart and soul
She does it all

[Chorus]
When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I'm weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does
Like my mother does

I hear people saying
I'm starting to look like my mother does

so i know i never write on ehre anymore but i wanted to journal a bit..this might be boring to some of you im putting it on here cause its somethign i want to remember...
my baby boy is growing like a weed!!!today he took a few steps,more then once.i think he will be walking in the next couple week which i cant wait for!!tonight he was a clown at the supper table..first off we had a delicious supper adn i was going off to matt at how good a job i did on our supper and i patted myself on the back,asher who was observing my every move then patted himself on the back,course his little hand couldnt quite reach his back so he was patting his shoulder,but to make sure thats what he was tryin to do i did it again and he then did it again too then he laughed:)then he was reaching for me,so matt scooted ashers chair closer to mine,and asher patted me on the back..we were laughing to hard!when he does stuff like this i find it so hard to beleive that he knows what hes doing cause in my mind hes still that tiny little baby i just had,but he really does know.hes a smart kid:)he started saying thank you!!!whenever he gives us something and we say thank you,he repeats it back to us!:)its crazy halarious!he also says "oh boy" hes been saying that,he often says it wen hes playing with his toys,its the cutest thing...another thing he does is when hes watching his cedarmont kids video and they sing the song"im in the lords army,YES SIR" the kids in the video shout "yes sir" and asher should its back.you cant really tell what hes sayin but everytime they say yes sir he shouts back at the tv:)i love it! well thats all for now.
were sooo enjoying this stage of his life and know its only going to get more fun!:)

bonuses...

today i have to write..and this may be an extremely long post as i have so much on my mind..my heart is so heavy today.and i have tears streaming down my face..and the odd thing is im crying for someone i dont even know..last night i came across a blog of a little family from pa that there 5 year old son is loosing his battle to luekimia.i want to post the blog on here so anyone can go see it and maybe u will understand the tears i had while reading it and the tears that continue to stream everytime i think of them today..theyve been battleing cancer i belevie for about 2 years now..and about ten days ago the father posted this...
"It is difficult to hear a doctor say your child is going to die from his leukemia, and a much harder thing to accept that there is nothing else you can do to save them. It is hard to accept that the cancer will win after the intense suffering Conner, Sheryl, Matthew, and I experienced over the last 5 months. It’s hard to accept that our family of four will soon be a family of three. I weep for my son and my family when I look back on all that suffering, especially when it feels like we suffered for nothing.

Conner’s blood work indicated that the last cycle of treatment failed to push down the leukemia, and his attending physician explained to us that this was the last curative therapy we could try. Any other drugs would only buy Conner time. On top of this the MRI results from two weeks ago showed continued assault to his brain, an injury the neurologists did not believe he could recover from with only a few weeks on rehab. So, Sheryl and I found ourselves backed into a corner, knowing there was no escape. We decided the best thing for Conner was to stop the chemo, stop the medicines and tests and move him to hospice, where they can keep him comfortable and pain free until the end. This is the best, most merciful thing we can do for our little five-year-old boy. He’s done everything we’ve asked of him, and now it’s time for him to rest. After five months, we finally find ourselves letting go."
i dont know how i could make that decision..the decision that is the most painfull thing for me but the absolute best thing i could do for my son...i cant even begin to imagine what this family is feeling..is going through.i want to push these thoughs out.i dont want to think about it,i dont want to weep with this hurt in my heart and i want to pretend i never knew of this hurting painful story..but i cant..because this family,who are brothers and sisters of mine in christ..ARE going through something awful.they ARE hurting it IS there child they are watching fade away.and as much as i want to pretend something so painful isnt happening to someone in the world..it is.and as much a i feel there is nothing i can do for this family that i have never met..there is.there is one thing and one thing alone that can get someone through something so awful and that is prayer and so much of it..from anyone.ive never lost a child and i pray i never see that day.because as much as i hurt at the thought of it how much worse it would be as a parent to watch your child slowly slip away..
i sat at my computer at 10 last evening readin this blog and crying so hard i could barely stop..i couldnt help myself,i went into my sleeping 9 month old sons room ,picked him up and just thanked God for blessing us with him and thanking him over and over again for the time we have with him..because he is just a bonus from God...my pastor at the church i went to in pa had a sermon one day about the gift of salvation...here is some of the things i remember.. "the Lord owes us NOTHING..he freely gave us the GIFT of salvation and aside from that we need nothing.anything else the Lord decides to bless us with is just a bonus.i ,in no way deserve any of these bonuses,but the Lord has blessed us with these things..my home,is a bonus,money,is a bonus,my family is just a bonus..."i cant help but think of that so much today..all these things in my life that are steady,that are there everyday for me to use for me to love for me to hold are just added bonuses to the most precious gift the Lord has already given me..which is salvation.eternal life with my Lord.why he gave me these added bonuses?he just loves me that much..but these bonuses are not mine..therefor my son..is not mine .he is the Lords and wen He see's fit he can take him home to be with him.
this perspective and hearing this tragic story that this family is going through has made me sit back ,look at what i have and just cry,a grateful cry,a cry that is saying at the top of my lungs THANK YOU LORD JESUS !!!thank you for my family that surrounds me everyday.thank you that i can hug them,kiss them and hold them.thank you for my home!!thank you for all these things that i have forgotten to thank you for. then theres a pleeding cry,oh Lord please let me keep them a while longer.please Lord! and then a cry of sacrifice..yes Lord i know none of these precious gifts are mine..they are yours.and you know best..always.
this family has no idea the testimony they are leaving for the rest of us that hear there story.they ahve no idea the impact they have on lives they know nothing of.but there story has opened my eyes.it has made me so grateful it has put me on my knees.
is the Lord a giver or a taker? that was a hard question for me ...i tend to be a bit more pesimistic and often see the glass as half empty...and when i ask myself is God a giver or a taker?i often find myself asking God not to take things from me that i treasure...but he is a giver.i forget that al the things i want to keep are things he originally GAVE me.which meens they are His.He IS a giver.BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
this family is so incredible .the things they write..knowing that there son is about to meet Jesus.its so beautiful when you think of death that wayits not the end for him..its only the beginning..and knowing they will someday see there son again.they have receiverd the FREE gift of salvation.and that my friends is greatest most pricelss gift we will EVER receive.
i dont think i will ever meet this family here on this earth but if i could,i would thank them for sharing there story.i would hug them and tell them how deeply sorry i am for what there going through.and i would tell them how much they have touched my life.

this story has made me realize how precius my family is to me.and how pointless those little things we get upset about really are.if it was me,holding my son for what could possibly be the last day,the last hour or even the last minute, he is alive,i would hold him with the softest most passionate arms,and with the most amount of love pouring out of me that i could possibly give.how different my eyes would see him.every passing second would the most precious thing...holding him would in no way be a chore.it would be an blessing. thats what our time on earth with our loved ones is...a blessing.

im sorry aboutthis long post i wrote what was on my mind and some of the things may have not come out as i would have liked them to..bt i wanted to write this...for something to look back on...and remember to hold them a little tighter "today"
http://weloveconner.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/bittersweet/

http://youtu.be/v0svXA-oRTk

my little boy..

tonight i had one of those moments..the kind of moment where you just sit back and look at your child and think "oh my word..hes really growing up..it just happens..i cant do nothing about it.."not that id want to ..i love that hes growing up..but everytime he does something new...it just shocks the socks off of me cause i just think hes still a baby...he cant do that yet! tonight he had a french fry in one hand a nd a peice of bread in the other..and he wsa feeding himself...and for some rason this just freaked me out...i kept telling matt who was talking to some other people.."honey are you seeing this huge stepping stone in our sons life right now?!" he who was sorta annoyed that i wasnt getting over it was like "yes dear i see."wow-my baby is growing up!!
i wish i could post pictures..but as of right now i cant find my camera cord so until then..no pictures.
Asher is almost craawling...hes not quite there so his crawl looks more like hes doing the worm...but boy that child gets around!he already is starting to get into stuff..guess that meens its time to put my nice decoorations away from the floor..
Hes all about his made up word "uh-ga"he says it all the time..and he changes the tone of his voice while sayin the same word so it sounds like his "story"is really interesting and hes really into telling it...its halarious..he loves his new word so much that the past few nights hes been waking up at 3 am and laying in his crib saying "uh-ga uh-ga uh-ga!!"he rally thinks hes talking to..tonight matt was saying his name real fast and loud and after matt would say "asherrr" asher would say "uh-gaaaa" it sounded so much like he was tryin to copy his daddy:)too cute.
oh my dear husband-theres just nothing,absolutely nothing like seeing the man your madly in love with ,father his son.the proud look he gets in his eye when we take our son to ball games.the way he carries him into church sunday mornings..they big smile he has when he comes home from work and sees him or the way as soon as asher comes into bed with us n the morning,matt rolls over and says"hey buddy"like hes been waiting for him...i just want to sit back and watch the two of them together..its an incredible thing to see a father loving on his son.and then to think of how God gave His only son to die for us!i cannot imagine loosing my son,much worse..giving him willingly.what an incredible God we serve!!
im reading the book called "choosing to see" by marybeth chapman.its all about her story and her trajic loss of her daughter,who was killed by a car running over her..the worse part is that her son was the one to drive over her..i have had my share of crying reading this book..hearing the mother talk about loosing her daughter and hearing how the son felt...it ripped my heart into peices...and made me so thankful and this morning when i so badly wanted to sleep in but my son did not..i layed tehre and thought..if i was the mom who lost her child i would look back in this moment and think"why didnt i just get up and play with him.."so thats what i did:)this book has definately put things into perspective for me..do not take what you have for granted.enjoy your season of life..whatever that may be,be selfless.and love,uncontrolably,with all youve got...LOVE

sleep where have you gone...

my little man is teething..at 6 months old he has gotten his first tooth and im pretty sure tooth number 2 is on the way..on top of that he has a cold...so to say i get little sleep is nearly an over-statement...its gotten better but about a week ago i started sleeping in the bed in his room because it seems as though as soon as id go in to give him his nuk and put him on his tummy..then go lay back in our bed and get confy hed cry again..i did this one night for 2 hours til finaly my brain started working and i figured it would be easier to sleep in the bed in his room...last night he slept 7 and a half hours straight and that is the first in probably a month...it felt amazing!!




saturday we went to the first over heated ball tourny...it was hott!!we ended up buying a portable fan ,putting it in the back of his stroller facing him..that kept him happy most the day..:)he was sporting his shades and hat half the time as well..which we thought was just to darn cute:) i was amazed at how well he did..he didnt take too many naps but he help up ok so i was fine with that..but boy did he sack out on the way home!:)
this post was gana be way longer but tyhe little guy woke up n needs som lovin..so another time..